Dayyenu (or Enough Already)

O Ruler of the Universe, if only they had taken a puff of dope instead of inhaling the whole joint,
---Dayyenu

If only they had taken a sip instead of gulping the whole bottle of Jack Daniel’s in one swig,
---Dayyenu

If only they had kept their vomit to themselves instead of puking all over my hand-knotted silk rug,
---Dayyenu

If only they had said that my Mac and Cheese was slightly overcooked instead of announcing on Facebook that it was so burned they almost called 911,
---Dayyenu

If only they had used Dan’s aftershave instead of my Prada perfume to cover up the cigarettes they were smoking in the living room,
---Dayyenu

If only they had asked their friends to go home instead of inviting them to crash on my king-size bed,
---Dayyenu

If only I didn’t own a king-size bed,
---Dayyenu

If only those same friends had the leftover pizza for breakfast instead of going after the cheese cakes I made for my mother and mother-in-law for Mother’s Day,
---Dayyenu

If only they were allergic to cheese cake,
---Dayyenu

And while we’re on the subject of mothers,

If only my explanation for a dildo—that it was a battery-operated penis--was enough,
---Dayyenu

If only they hadn’t asked why a penis would have to be battery-operated and why anyone would ever need one,
---Dayyenu

If only they hadn’t asked if it was covered by Medicare,
---Dayyenu

If only I had been told that the reason I was an only child for the longest time was because my father was always traveling instead of telling me that he couldn’t get an erection,
---Dayyenu

If only they had simply sent me a birthday card instead of timing this revelation to coincide with my 40th birthday,
---Dayyenu

If only they had kept this fact to themselves or apologized after the fact instead of saying, “Why would that upset you?”
---Dayyenu